Mr. Calculated

My husband is the other half of Ocotillos and Magnolias. He is calm. He is calculated. I feel safe knowing Kyle’s decisions have been pored over with thought and not carelessly rushed. His presence is so firm, and still soothing. Maybe it is for this reason that my mom encourages us to hold hands during discussions – she knows Kyle infuses me with the same calmness, and awareness of His Holy Presence. This helps me to be still in the moments I need it most.

Now that I’ve romanticized this calculated characteristic, let me describe my personal struggle with it. I believe in being authentic and to me part of that means sharing the not so pretty as well. A Gallup Strength Survey will show Futuristic as my top strength. That is wonderful for planning, and quite inhibiting for mindfulness. The previously mentioned calmness and calculation can result in Kyle being slow to act. Whether its making a career change or picking out his shoes, Kyle is going to make a calculated decision. He is going to take his time. I abhor that I find myself constantly rushing my husband. His constant calculation can give me angst. “Let’s go!”. “Hurry up!”. “Come on!”. “We’re losing time!”. And this is where I cue myself, as long as we aren’t impacting others with our tardiness. Without this characteristic, would we have the marriage we do? Would I feel safe the way I do? Or would I worry that he would make a haste decision, without the Lord, that could adversely impact our family? Stopping and slowing down in those rushed moments allows me to be present, to see the beauty around me, and most importantly for me, to be grateful. I can use my husband’s thoughtful moments to slow down, to stop, to be grateful for nothing more than the moment itself.

Slowing down and being present also helps us with management of my POTS. Rushing can trigger symptoms. In my goal of returning to work, I am vigilant in my treatment plan. Part of this is walking (outside) every day. The city noises and concrete jungle often make me feel so far from center. In my walks, I practice mindfulness in varying ways. A favorite of mine blends sensory aspects with external and internal awareness. Doing this exercise, amongst others, on my walks has allowed me to be aware of my body and joint instability, which is helpful for my recovery. It has also allowed me to see all the bright beauty unfolding in this desert valley. The desert beauty makes me thankful for where I am and the blasts of color make me feel close to Texas and loved ones.

Vaya con Dios.

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